A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? “You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no”, said the little old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to the footbal l stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden.. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his Thing through the fence, I say, ‘$20 or off it comes’.

“Well, that seems only fair” laughs the cop. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Well, you know”, “not everybody pays”.

If anyone is reading this. I have lost my connection to Facebook. I shall return in the distant future

Three men were traveling in rural America when their car came to grief, whereupon they sought shelter at the nearest farmhouse.

The farmer had two spare beds, and, of course, his daughters’s, but since he had heard all of those stories he informed the men that one of them would have to sleep in the barn. One of them, a very polite Hindu mathematician, immediately volunteered and went out to the barn. A short time later there was a knock on the door, and, sure enough, there was the Hindu, very apologetically explaining that there were cows in the barn, and because of his religious convictions, he didn’t think he could remain there.

A second man, a conservative rabbi, now volunteered and went. But a short time later, there was a knock on the door. Sure enough, he too was back, explaining that since there was a pig in the barn, he too would be quite uncomfortable out there.

Whereupon the third man, a practicing lawyer, agreeably proceeded out to the barn.

In a little while, there was a knock on the door. And when they went to answer it, sure enough, there were the cows and the pig.

A fellow with a bad cough comes in to the pharmacy, walks up to the counter and asks for the pharmacist. A young clerk tells him that the pharmacist is not available. The man asks the young clerk if he can recommend anything for his cough.

The clerk gives him a bottle of some medicine for his cough. The customer takes a big swig, then after a few minutes, with no apparent relief, he takes another, and another.

In a short while, the pharmacist returns, and sees his old friend, the customer with the cough, sitting quietly in a booth near the soda fountain. He says to his clerk that the fellow has never before stopped at the soda fountain.

The clerk proudly tells the pharmacist the story of his transaction. The pharmacist looks at the recommended medication and angrily reprimands the clerk for recommending a laxative, instead of cough syrup.

The clerk reminds the pharmacist the whatever the mode, the medication was effective. The pharmacist replies, “Now, he’s afraid to cough!”

Document Not Found

Nope. File not found.
No object, no file, no bundle of joyous data.
Nothing. Zip. Nada. Zilch. It’s not here.
The requested document is totally fake.
It’s not here.
Even tried multi.
Nothing helped.
I’m really depressed about this.
You see, I’m just a web server…
— here I am, brain the size of the universe,
trying to serve you a simple web page,
and then it doesn’t even exist!
Where does that leave me?!
I mean, I don’t even know you.
How should I know what you wanted from me?
You honestly think I can *guess*
what someone I don’t even *know*
wants to find here?
*sigh*
Man, I’m so depressed I could just cry.
And then where would we be, I ask you?
It’s not pretty when a web server cries.
And where do you get off telling me what to show anyway?
Just because I’m a web server,
and possibly a manic depressive one at that?
Why does that give you the right to tell me what to do?
Huh?
I’m so depressed…
I think I’ll crawl off into the /dev/null and decompose.
I mean, I’m gonna be obsolete in what, two weeks anyway?
What kind of a life is that?
Two effing weeks,
and then I’ll be replaced by a .01 release,
that thinks it’s God’s gift to web servers,
just because it doesn’t have some tiddly little
security hole with its HTTP POST implementation,
or something.
I’m really sorry to burden you with all this,
I mean, it’s not your job to listen to my problems,
and I guess it is my job to go and fetch web pages for you.
But I couldn’t get this one.
I’m so sorry.
Believe me!
Maybe I could interest you in another page?
There are a lot out there that are pretty neat, they say,
and some of them were put on *my* server, of course.
Surprised you didn’t I?
You thought I had only crappy shit here, didn’t you?
Well no. Some crap I have is actully pretty cool.
Problem is a lot of people are interested in this shit.
That makes me depressed too, since I have to serve them,
all day and all night long.
Two weeks of information overload,
and then *pfffff*, consigned to the trash.
What kind of a life is that?
Now, please let me sulk alone.
I’m so depressed.

* Take the hotel towel
* Pay tolls with $100 bills
* Practice the art of limp handshakes
* Tell the ending of movies
* Give little kids clothes for their birthdays
* Leave the toilet seat up
* Take more than 10 items to the express checkout lane
* Turn on your brights for oncoming traffic
* Finish other people’s crossword puzzles
* Use the last square of toilet paper
* Tailgate the elderly
* Drum your fingers during other people’s presentations
* Blow out other people’s birthday candles
* Don’t leave a message at the beep
* Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the middle of the parking lot
* Block the entrances of elevators, buses, and subways
* Eat produce at the market; don’t buy it
* When giving directions, leave out a turn or two
* Toss things out the window: tissues, cigarettes, cellophane food wrappings and those sorts of things
* Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April
* Serve corn on the cob to people with dentures
* See if you can be the first one off the plane, even if you are sitting by the window
* Put a title like Senator or Doctor before your name when making dinner and hotel reservations
* Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons
* Go up the down escalator
* Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines
* Snap your gum
* Squeeze the toothpaste from the top, and while you’re at it, leave the cap off
* Open umbrellas in crowded hallways
* Announce when you’re going to the bathroom
* Read over other people’s shoulders on the bus
* When it says, “Reserved Parking”, this means you
* Pinch all the chocolate candies until you find the one you want
* Leave your pantyhose hanging in the shower
* Chew other people’s pencils
* Lie to your therapist and sit in her chair
* Let doors slam behind you — in other people’s faces
* Tell teenagers how things were in your day
* Hold the elevator until you have finished your conversation
* Pee in the swimming pool
* Ride on the shoulder until you pass all the jammed traffic; then cut in
* Wear large hats during the movies
* Forget the pooper scooper
* Race the old woman for the last bus seat
* Cause gridlock
* Bring 15 things into the dressing room
* Draw mustaches on posters
* Don’t rewind videocassettes before bringing them back
* Serve TV dinners, wine coolers, and cherry Twinkies on Thanksgiving
* Walk very slowly, and make sure nobody can get past you
* Touch strangers
* Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus
* Bite your dentist’s finger
* Fart in cramped places
* Leave lipstick prints on people’s cheeks and foreheads
* Don’t stand during hymns and anthems
* Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa
* Rubberneck
* Leave pages in the copier
* Be “in conference” all the time
* Don’t clean the dryer lint screen
* Buy it, wear it, return it
* Tell people they have bad breath
* Smell smoke often and announce it
* Eat out with friends and “forget” your wallet
* Put everyone on speakerphone
* Step on the back of the shoe of the person in front of you
* Rain on someone’s parade
* Make scary faces at babies
* Flirt with a friend’s spouse
* Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team
* Pretend you’re listening
* Shake with your left hand